WORKING WITH DIFFICULT PEOPLE

Communicating effectively on the job in a way that practically turns a bad situation to your advantage is what ‘working with difficult people’ all about.

First thing first, don’t expect difficult people to change. They won’t! Since you can predict this, plan ahead & plot your tactics.

Troublemakers may not change but by choosing a better approach, you can change the outcome. Also remember that no matter how bright you are, being angry, hurt or disappointed blocks your good judgment if you only react emotionally to difficult people instead of responding with logical action.

The outcome you want to accomplish should determine how you deal with a difficult boss, colleague or subordinate.

Remember the popular saying; “nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent”. Standing up for yourself is good for you & for your boss. Confront your accusers by tactfully putting your foot down when others are walking over you.

Learn to put problematic people in proper perspective; so don’t take their antics personally. They aren’t concerned about you, you just happen to be either an obstacle or an essential ingredient for their goals.

Always be gracious. Someone else’s rudeness doesn’t give you the right to be rude, so, turn a bad situation to your advantage. Disarm your offender by treating him with kindness & allowing him feel important.

Take your pick – positive or negative. You can’t focus on constructive, creative alternatives while you cling to negative feelings. Always ask questions instead of making accusations. If you let others save face, you give room for them to change their minds.

Use open-ended questions to let emotional people vent their feelings before you try to reason with them & explore options. Most importantly, learn to respond as well as to listen. No one can read your mind. State that you feel annoyed, upset & enraged when you need to.

Give and request frequent feedback. It’s important for you to know the perceptions of your boss, peers & subordinates.

Respect from others begins with self-respect. Don’t continue a conversation with anyone, even your boss, who refuses to give you the courtesy you deserve.

Focus first on policies & procedures. That helps you start the disagreements you have on a high professional level. Where possible, deal directly & discreetly. Choose face-to-face talks over memos & emails that can be misconstrued.

When you link your objectives with the needs of others, not only do you have their attention, but you also win together.

Always document self-protection. Get potentially troublesome verbal agreements in writing to prevent reneging.

For assignments you fear may be hazardous to your career’s health, keep your boss informed with periodic reports.

Below are the different categories of difficult people and how to deal/work with them.

1.       The Hostile people: actually need to intimidate, deflate you & treat you as a nobody in order to strengthen their feeling of self-worth. Whether you are their boss, colleague, or subordinate, they’ll find your vulnerable area & attack you right from that spot!

How:

You can’t reason with the enraged. Wait until the boss calms down, then talk it over and, at least, agree on objectives. You listen hard, you plot your strategy, & you think before you speak up. When colleagues act hostile, don’t let their anger become contagious & infect your good judgment.

2.       The Tyrants: these category of people treat you in a high-handed, harsh, & dictatorial manner. They are often abusive, abrasive bosses who are gluttons for power. A Tyrant’s need to feel omnipotent isn’t met until he can demean you & trample upon your ego. They attack you right in the middle of your presentation, tears apart your remarks & assassinates your character. But then again, Bosses who seem tyrannical are often bright. Learn all you can from them. They always believe that they know all the right answers. If you criticize them, you’ll escalate their attacks.

How:

You have to assert yourself with utmost tact if you are going to survive a tyrant. Your goal should be to get your tyrant boss to treat you in a civil, courteous manner & to stop being overbearing. Stop accepting the situation. If you do nothing, the sharp stabs will fester until you finally blow up or break down. Appear firm, strong & unemotional. If you reveal that you’re weak & angry, the Tyrant tries harder to dominate you. Use tact to get his attention & respect. Telling him he’s wrong will make him seek revenge.

3.       The Bullies: these ones are habitually cruel, threatening your present & future. Bullies seek control by using hate & fear as weapons.

How:

Your best defense to a Bully boss is an offense. You have to stand up to the Bully. Let the Bully vent his anger without attempting to stop him. Show concern for his feelings & in a pleasant tone, pose questions to get him to disclose what’s really bugging him. Deal with the problem without criticizing his thinking or actions. If you totally disagree, show respect for his authority as you ask him to consider another possibility. Be wary about ganging up to make a complaint. If a group of you marches to his office, your boss will feel threatened & he’ll clamp down harder. Bullies lose their power if you don’t cower. Deep down, they doubt they deserve your respect. They admire your speaking with self-assurance & confidence. So when they bombard, don’t counterpunch.

4.       The Sadists: this category of people take pleasure in causing you difficulty. They’re happy when they catch you in a mistake & making you fidget. Sadists demand blind obedience, but keep changing the rules to fit their impulses. They berate you for errors they initiated & then not only deny any responsibility, but also fail to show you a better way.

How:

Stand up for yourself by asking to be treated with the respect due another human being. Your unexpected action may get him to see you as a person instead of a punching bag. Learn the recourse you have in your company. If your boss thinks his behaviour may be tagged “unprofessional”, he’ll want to do something to avoid the hearing process.

5.       Time Bombs: they have anger that erupts unexpectedly & leaves you both confused & frightened because you are witnessing someone out of control. Time Bombs feel exploding in anger is a defense against fear & frustration. They can’t tolerate opposing opinions and often take your criticisms personal.

How:

Protect yourself. If you think he may become violent, leave instantly saying you’ll talk later. Be patient. Wait for him to run down & regain self-control. Keep a friendly tone to avoid a screaming duet. Tactfully resume talking if he calms down. Acknowledge his thinking. Show you understand how important the issue is to him. Reassure him that you’re on his side. You’re not questioning his authority, you’re merely offering a suggestion.

6.       Tacklers: Colleagues that are tacklers attack you personally while arguing an issue. Tackler colleagues are so determined to score points with the boss that they block whatever you toss out for consideration & tackle you instead of the problem.

How:

Question the Tackler to show that you’re determined to do the job without stooping to his level. Elevate the discussion by moving the emphasis away from individuals back to the issue at hand. Talk to him privately if he continues to tackle you. Ask how he thinks you might be able to resolve your differences.

Find out if the tackler has company friends in high places so that you don’t hurt yourself. Concentrate on doing your job & making more friends.

7.       Enviers: they jealously begrudge the praises you receive. They are resentful. They want what you have.

How:

Don’t let the Envier get you into an argument, especially when others are present. Convey that each person’s effort is judged on its own merit. One’s work stands good or bad by itself. Encourage the Envier. Help him define his personal goals & develop his own special skills & expertise. This will bolster his sense of self-worth.

8.       Intimidators: they gain support by implying they can hurt or embarrass you. While an intimidating boss has real power over you, an intimidating colleague has perceived power. An intimidating colleague makes you feel inferior even though you know the job as well or better than he does.

How:

Try to rehearse quick responses you’ll say when next your Intimidator strikes. Pick only the part of his remarks that you care to reply to. Pretend you’re unruffled even if you are momentarily intimidated. Otherwise he’ll continue to intimidate you. Know when to laugh off an intimidator’s actions.

Since your job is to get work done through subordinates, they also wield power over you, even though you’re tempted to think you’ve unlimited power. You need subordinates as much as they need you. When they act hostile, learn why.

9.       The Hotheads: this category of people always provoke quarrels among their colleagues. Your objective should be to keep your team from being disrupted by Hotheads.

How:

Review your management style & be sure you aren’t rewarding non-performance. When your subordinates feel they are treated unfairly, great animosity can result. Ask what your Hothead thinks would salve his injured feelings. Listen without interrupting, nod in honest agreement when necessary & ask questions when you disagree. Refuse to be a referee when two squabbling subordinates look to you to take side with them. Check if the problem is in the system & look for how to correct it. If there’s a personality clash, insist your subordinates function as part of a team. Be firm that you won’t tolerate interference with your standards.

10.    The arrogant Ones: Some bosses are so arrogant that they believe the company can’t breathe without their incessant checking & frequent commandeering of your job.

How:

Don’t take the boss’s arrogance personally. He’s the one with the problem but you can both come out ahead.

11.    The Fame Claimers: they haughtily assume credit for your work. They’re so pumped up with pride they’re unwilling to share.

How:

To convert your boss from stealing your praises to singing your praises, keep telling him how much he is helping you. Your arrogant boss needs an extra boost to satisfy his greed & need for recognition. Win over the Fame Claimer boss by getting him to think of the two of you as a team. Document your procedures and accomplishments. Send progress reports to your boss & copies to anyone else who might possibly benefit from reading them. Many people will become aware of your efforts, you get the credit you deserve & the record also help you during future negotiations.

12.    The Blockers: they advance their ideas & obstruct the ones they don’t originate. If it’s a Blocker’s idea, it has enormous potential but if it’s someone else’s, they rip it to shreds.

How:

If a Blocker is in good standing with the company, ask yourself why he remains there. He must be doing something top management likes. Learn what it is. Gain your strength by exercising your tact & feeding a Blocker’s ego. Your goal should be to get your ideas considered objectively without antagonizing your boss. Always make your Blocker boss feel that he has a part in the development of your idea. Try to put your thought to paper & be crystal clear before you talk to your Blocker boss. Be able to defend your plan if it’s torn apart.

13.    The Revengers: this particular category of people deeply resent how they believe you mistreated them.

Revengers feel cheated or neglected. Without checking out their perception, they hang on to the grudge. Sometimes workers who are transferred because of company restructuring are resentful & this can result in an escalating spiral of hostility.

How:

Clear up misconceptions. Work with your Revengeful subordinate to identify ways to handle touchy situations. Give honest & more frequent feedback. Explain how important your subordinates are to the company & how their individual roles fit into the total picture. Express your appreciation immediately & as soon as the job is done. Don’t wait until you can write them a mail or present an achievement award. Plan ahead when changes will disrupt your subordinates. Take them into your confidence, ask them what problems they anticipate & what suggestions they have for handling them.

14.    The Snipers: they attack under some cover, often disguising their jabs with jokes. Unless they tell you, there’s no way to know why Sniper subordinates have this negative attitude toward you.

How:

Show a Sniper you won’t stand for being put down. Calmly & dispassionately indicate that you’re glad to discuss any legitimate criticism. Keep your tone light & your message crystal clear. Ask the Sniper to be a little more specific. Reply factually without getting defensive. Confront the Snipers in private. Use a friendly but no-nonsense tone to get at the root of a Sniper’s hostility.

15.    Hagglers: They make their point in a petty, noisy, angry manner. They’re argumentative & often raise their voices as they find fault & pick fights.

How:

Learn to tune out your Haggler boss’s negative outbursts. Work with him; don’t fight him. Think big & act big. Refuse to let petty insults & insinuations get at you. Keep to the issues. As you & your Haggler boss experience more successes together, he will gain more confidence in himself & you. There will be less need for hogging credit or holding on to outdated procedures.

16.    Battering Rams: they are colleagues who crush opposition, forcing their views on you.  You’re supposed to be playing on the same team, but if you get in the way of a Battering Ram, you pay the price.

How:

Stay calm as you observe a Battering Ram’s rule-or-ruin mentality. Then coolly suggest the professional approach that’s not sheepish. Tactfully but assertively stand up for yourself while showing the Battering Ram how you can help get what he really wants. When the fault is at least partially with the system, point this out to your boss. Suggest how restructuring might help.

17.    Believers: this people always feel they alone are right; they unreasonably expect your agreement. If you disagree with a Believer, he’ll wear you down. Believers are enormously opinionated, with absolute conviction that they know the only way to proceed.

How:

If you don’t want to sell your soul, you have to fight fire with fire, & faith with faith with a Believer.

Fortify your stand & then be as strong in your conviction as the Believer is in his.

18.    The Zealots: they are fanatics who commit themselves without weighing all considerations. Zealots are presumptuous colleagues who let their intense enthusiasm overcome their reason. Overpowered by their own zeal, they are unrealistically positive because they react without thinking through the consequence.

How:

Decide to stop buying what the Zealot is selling. You’ll force him to be better prepared for his next attempt. Without attacking a Zealot’s opinions, force him to defend his views.

19.    Competitors: they feel they must surpass you. They turn the simplest contest into a rivalry. Deep down, Competitors are afraid & so they feel forced to prove to themselves & to you that they are superior.

How:

If your own ego is intact, give your Competitor colleague the reassurance he needs while you move on to greater creativity. Be professional & gracious. Give Competitors the respect & recognition they desperately seek. Allow Competitors to feel important so that they won’t have to run you down in order to uplift their self-esteem. Explain the benefits of synergizing to a Competitor. That when we share our thinking & extract the best thoughts from each other, we can form a new & more valuable combination. Be honourable in taking & giving credit. However, don’t allow a Competitor to claim as his achievement your efforts or joint efforts. Be upfront. Inform your colleague if you’re going to compete for a job opening or assignment that you know he’s hoping to get.

20.    The Rule Benders: they cut corners. They bend the rules almost to the breaking point or take unauthorized action & make their own rules as they go along. Some Rule Benders threaten you, demanding that you change your procedures or they won’t produce what you desperately want.

How:

Be consistent in applying your regulations & in expecting adherence. If procedures need to be modified, change them. If you give Rule Benders special privileges, you can expect other workers to feel there’s no use in trying. Team spirit will evaporate.

21.    Clansmen: they exert power by banding together in a clique. Clansmen flock together to ruffle your feathers & try to subvert the chain of command. When Clansmen believe they can influence or threaten your decisions by sheer weight of their numbers, they gang up on you.

How:

Don’t clobber the clique. Utilize it if you can. If not, dissolve it in a quiet, professional manner. Win over the ringleader & strengthen the individual Clansmen by coaching those who need help or encouragement. Utilise cliques on projects requiring the joint effort of several people who work well together.

22.    The Commandants: they are very bossy; without authority, they order their peers around. Although they perform very well, Commandants are offensively impatient with those who move at a slower pace. They are aggressive in criticizing their coworkers, putting down their efforts or telling them how they ought to be handling assignments.

How:

Regain control by helping Commandants maintain their energy, enthusiasm, efficiency & productivity.

Show Commandants how to go by your rules or be kinder to their colleagues. Give these rising stars every chance to shine & enlist help from those complaining about a Commandant’s behaviour.

23.    The Hypocrites: they are deceitful two-faced double-dealers who purposely misrepresent or mislead you.

Hypocrite bosses are sneaky. You can’t trust them. They pretend to be your good buddy, & you later find out the opposite. A Hypocrite boss cons you into confiding in him & then uses the information against you.

How:

Ask questions that require direct answers. The Hypocrite boss probably doesn’t realize that he has wronged or hurt you. Protect yourself in the future. Don’t accept anything your Hypocrite boss tells you at face value until it’s confirmed in writing or announced before other people.

24.    The Renegers: they go back on promises they never intended to keep. Reneger bosses mislead you by breaking promises they hadn’t planned to keep in the first place.

How:

Tactfully reassure Reneger bosses that you’re going to help them get where they want to go. Discuss your mutual goals with your Reneger boss. Remind him of the benefits he receives if he carries through on what he promised. Make it easy for the boss to keep his promise. Assess what is needed & spell it out.

25.    Forked Tongues: they are the type that send you ambiguous, deliberately unclear, mixed messages. The Forked Tongue boss tells you he likes your work & the next time you do it that way, he tears into you.

A Forked Tongue boss talks out of both sides of his mouth.

How:

Instead of trying to make a Forked Tongue boss eat his words, feed him some ground rules for improved communication. Discuss your mutual concern for the company & offer procedural suggestions for the boss’s consideration.

26.    The BrainPickers: They exploit your ideas, stealing credit for & profiting from them. Just as pickpockets steal your wallet, BrainPickers steal your ideas. You don’t even know you’re being robbed because they don’t use guns.

How:

Once you’ve fingered the folks who want to drain your brain, be polite but tight-lipped. Stop supplying information. Don’t limit yourself to a one-BrainPicker audience. Enlarge the group. Call over other colleagues & welcome discussions.

27.    Back-Stabbers: they are nice to your face but very critical of you behind your back. Back-Stabbers are bad-mouthers, telling lies or being critical about you when you’re not there.

How:

If you allow the Back-Stabbing to persist, it can ruin your career. Confront the Back-Stabber by reporting what you heard. Provide a graceful way out when a Back-Stabber denies. Let him off the hook.

28.    The Underminers: They undercut your efforts & set you up to fail. Underminers weaken your position by clever & crafty means. Sometimes, they harm your work by being purposely late with needed information or supplying you with flawed data. Underminers often level a charge when there’s no opportunity for you to defend yourself.

How:

You were probably selected by Underminer as the target because you appeared weak & vulnerable. You must launch a counter-offensive otherwise you may well be on your way out of the company. When it’s serious, pay a visit to all the people you know with clout. If you have mentors, this is the time to get help.

29.    The Foxes: They are sly, cunning wheeler-dealer subordinates out to outsmart you. Some Foxes are ingenious in creating problem for the sole purpose of being praised for their brilliance in solving them.

How:

Throw challenges at them & give them credit they’ve earned. Help your subordinates move out of their one-specialty rut. Tie training to personal goals & ambitions.

30.    The Bluffers: They are actually misleading fakers. They don’t know & won’t check it out. They conceal the truth while giving you incomplete or wrong information. They present data as accurate without bothering to verify or assure you they’ve taken care of a matter when they have yet to lift a finger.

How:

Subordinates bluff for many reasons. More direct face-to-face communication will help allay their fears. You can eliminate bluffing by asking subordinates to restate assignments or instructions in their own words to be sure they understood. Devise a better feedback plan that is more frequent, more specific, more helpful & less threatening.

31.    The Instigators: they are troublemakers. They stir up your workers & provoke action.

How:

Instigators are causing you trouble because they feel bored, bitter or restricted. Review your rules, policies & procedures to add excitement, understanding & opportunity. Eliminate the extraneous to make room for the spontaneous.

32.    Guilt Ladlers: they manage to make to make you feel guilty, no matter the real reason. Guilt Ladlers try to control you by making you feel guilty for their wounded feelings. Guilt Ladlers try to shift the blame for their poor judgment or insecurity to you.

How:

Refuse to buy the boss’s ludicrous look at the world. Politely state the real facts & get on with resolving the problem.

33.    The Nit Pickers: they are petty bickerers who find fault with inconsequential matters. Nit Picker bosses insist on perfection for tasks that are not important. Being worried & anxious, Nit Picker bosses give you assignments & then can’t let go.

How:

Divert the Nit Picker boss’s attention to more meaningful tasks. Double check your work. Make sure you’re doing what you promised & getting your work in on time.

34.    Hanging Judges: this set of people blame you before gathering or hearing the facts.

How:

Let go of your hurt feelings. To voice your objections, use questions rather than accusations. Be cooperative, respectful & stick to the issues while providing a gracious way out.

35.    The Squawkers: they are chronic gripers who grumble about everything-publicly & secretly. For a minor infraction, Squawkers will ridicule you before the entire staff.

How:

When you’re attacked, confront your accuser & resolve the matter.

36.    The Super-Sensitives ones: they are extremely touchy & take every comment as a personal affront.

How:

To deal with them, you can make a big difference by becoming friends with a super-sensitive colleague.

37.    Wet Blankets: are very negative, throwing cold water on every idea. Wet Blankets are concerned that the idea won’t work before they even explore the possibility. They sabotage discussion with premature pronouncements that you don’t have enough time, power, money or study.

How:

Don’t let the Wet Blankets drown your spirits. Tell them they may be right but you will try all the same since their opinion is the worst that can happen. Do your homework before proposing your idea & then search for support with cases where the idea has worked. Present the situation & options. Then move from there to your proposed solution. Keep the mood optimistic. If you sound reasonable & enthusiastic, you can keep a Wet Blanket’s pessimism from permeating the air.

Be willing to modify your idea. Go for pride of joint product instead of pride of sole authorship.

38.    The Blame Shifters: they are buck-passers who blame you for their own bonehead blunders.

How:

Don’t contribute to a Blame Shifter’s antics by promising to give him an answer later on. Help him by discussing the problem & let him suggest ways to handle it. Stay on top of a Blame Shifter’s issue by clearly defining reporting procedures.

39.    The Martyrs: they complain how they’ve sacrificed when you never even asked for their help. Martyrs are workhorses who create resentment because they gripe about being overworked but won’t accept help. Martyrs are obsessive workaholics who use work to smother some personal problem. When they fail, the fault is never theirs.

How:

Hold fast to limiting the amount of work you let the Martyrs do. Give Martyrs more recognition for their dedicated performance. This would produce a happier atmosphere in your office.

These are my tips but just in case you have any others that worked for you, don’t hesitate to share in the comments section below.

In conclusion, to know how to work with difficult people is to truly master the art of communication. As you utilize these skills, you may experience less grief, greater confidence, better relationships, and higher communication prowess.